An Expert’s Guide to Hangover Cures

If you’ve ever drank a beer, there’s a good chance you’ve been hungover. And if not, maybe someday this information will be valuable. I know it’s saved my life a time or two.

To effectively cure a hangover, you have to first identify which kind you have. Because professional drinkers will tell you not every hangover is the same. Today we’ll go through the most common hangovers and their cures.

The Headache
Before working in sports media, I actually worked in the medical field for four years. As an EMT student we learned that hangovers are caused by your brain being dehydrated and actually shrinking and separating from your skull. Not fun.

The entire world will feel like it’s brighter, louder and moving way too fast. And it is for your hungover ass.

The Cure:
Pop three Ibuprofen, chug a Body Armor (strawberry banana), throw on your sunglasses and try to get outside into the fresh air. Some people will tell you to stay in bed and sleep this one off, but I’ve found through thorough testing that this only prolongs the hangover. Seize the day, re-hydrate yourself and take it slow.

The Beer Shits
Johnny Cash sang about a “Ring of Fire” and this is probably what he meant.

After a night of smashing IPAs or Busch Latte’s with the boys, most smart folks hit up a Waffle House or Taco Bell to put a nice coating of food on top of their beers. If you don’t find that right mix of pre-and-post-drinking food, though, you’re in for a shitty day. Literally.

The Cure:
The most important advice I can give you: STAY. HOME. Do not attempt to be a productive member of society today.

Pepto, a sandwich that’s more bread than anything else with an easy condiment (lite mayo works) and a hefty bag of chips. You need salt and carbs in that belly but you have to remember anything you eat is coming back out of you very violently and very fast. This is not the time for Mexican food. This is not the time for curry. This is the time for bread and baby wipes. Yes, baby wipes. Flushable wipes will save your ass today.

The Flu Game
Michael Jordan had his “flu game”—some believe it was food poisoning or a hangover—and I’m here to tell you that those symptoms can 100 percent be from a hangover. Upset stomach, fever, body aches and a sweat? Yep, that sounds like the flu but it also sounds like the hangover I had two weeks ago.

The Cure:
I am almost never a fan of cold showers, but it’ll help you here. As a grown man I refuse to take baths, but a hot bath would also help you sweat out what’s in your system. Buckle up, though, because you’re going to feel this one all day. The Ibuprofen + Body Armor prescription still applies here, but you’re going to need a nap after this one.

The “Oh my God, I can’t move!”
There’s a reason those mobile IV businesses exist. Today is that day.

Story time: I had to fly into NYC for work once and was scheduled to meet a friend who lives in the city and works for an NFL team. I check into my hotel and text him to find he’s also staying there…which is odd since he lives there, right? He tells me to come to his room but don’t turn the lights on and don’t say anything. It’s not my birthday so I don’t know what kind of surprise I’m about to walk into.

I knock on his door and he barely opens it, telling me to quickly get in and shut the door. Then he tells me he was out until 5am and has a doctor coming with an IV full of pain medicine and saline solution to get him back on his feet.

I leave and come back two hours later to a completely new man. He’s energetic and ready to attack the city.

The Cure:
Pay whatever it takes to get an IV. If you can’t, chalk today up to a learning experience and keep your ass in a dark, cold room all day.

The “I’m Still Drunk”
A scenario: You raged all night and shut the bar down. You Uber home, pass out and wake up relieved (and shocked) to find you’re not hungover. But just wait…you can’t be hungover if you’re still drunk.

The Cure:
The hair of the dog that bit you. Pop a cold one, sip it slow and maybe DoorDash a pizza.