NFC NORTH
1) Detroit Lions
Lions. The kings of the jungle, but not the gridiron. The Lion’s raw strength is quite amazing and deserves the utmost amount of respect. They fear nothing and only fight with hyenas over food. Other than that, they sleep and kill and run the pride. You are not topping this.
2) Minnesota Vikings
Vikings are the original pirate. Their dragon-headed boat designs were just as intimidating as they were. They were fearless sea-faring warriors. They attacked other ships in open water and raged on coastal villages and settlements. This group of people did not care about anything but causing chaos and that alone is a very cool mascot for a football team.
3) Chicago Bears
Bears are on their own level and don’t really have any enemies. They are bigger and stronger than anything they come across. If a bear were to stand up it could be up to eight or nine feet tall while weighing up to 1,300 pounds. If I came in contact with a bear that size in the wild, you probably wouldn’t ever hear from me again. That’s a lie because I would find that 4.7 forty speed while dodging, ducking, dipping, diving, and dodging through the woods until the bear gave up. Bears are cool, but when stacked up against a lion and a set of Vikings, taking third isn’t that bad.
4) Green Bay Packers
Quick question. After you pack all of your cheese and other packages, do you ship them through USPS, UPS, or FedEx? A great franchise with a weird mascot.
NFC EAST
1) New York Giants
Giants are said to have been around since the beginning of time. Several discoveries have been made of large human remains all over the world. Believe what you will, but let’s say we had giants roaming in modern life. I’m talking 10-15 foot beings walking around and living a daily life like the rest of us. That would be crazy, but pretty cool.
2) Philadelphia Eagles
An eagle is just flat out cool. Go look at pictures and videos of eagles and try telling me you are not mesmerized by their size and beauty. They are a sign of power and you see that when they are posted in a tree or on a power line monitoring the world. They cannot be ignored or unseen. When you see it, you stop and watch what it’s going to do next. They are in control. Eagles are amazing.
3) Dallas Cowboys
Cowboys are tough hardworking people that tend to cattle or horses. We hear the wild west stories and them maintaining their ranches that have been passed down through generations. When comparing them to giants or the power of an eagle they don’t match up.
4) Washington Redskins
The bottom line, the name redskin is racist to Native Americans and does not show the proper respect they deserve. At some point, I truly do believe Washington will change its mascot and logo altogether. The disrespect to Native Americans is why they are the worst mascot in this division.
NFC SOUTH
1) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
How is a pirate not the coolest mascot in this division? You have a cool name and a creepy ship with multiple cannons on it! Tampa Bay may not have figured out how to win on the football field yet, but they sure did figure out the coolest mascot in the NFC South.
2) Carolina Panthers
If you haven’t noticed by now, I am a huge big cat fan. Which is why I started watching Tiger King. I thought it was a documentary over big cats and how a tiger was the real king of big cats and not a lion. BOY WAS I WRONG. Anywho, Panthers. A black panther is one of the most mesmerizing big cats to look at. They are completely black and usually have a yellow or orange-colored set of eyes and they just stare. A stare that your parents give you for no reason and you start thinking of everything you ever did wrong in your life and now you fear they know everything. That power of fear they can give you puts them second in this division.
3) Atlanta Falcons
I know nothing about falcons, so here are some interesting facts. The most common falcon is the peregrine falcon, but here’s the kicker: Only the female peregrine is called a falcon. The male is called a tiercel, cause they are ⅓ smaller than the female. This means the Atlanta Falcons are really the Atlanta female peregrines. (Which is why you’re in third)
A peregrine falcon can FLY up 55 mph. *Jaw drops* I thought that was fast, but check this out. They can freaking nose drive at 242 mph. *Jaw hits the floor*. Imagine hearing the ‘caw caw’ of a falcon, looking up and realizing that sum bitch is clocking 200+ mph right at your face. I now fully understand why Mello is scared of birds.
4) New Orleans Saints
A saint is a holy or virtuous person who is typically regarded as being in heaven after death. I also just learned this and let me know if you knew this. You cannot be recognized as a Saint until you have been dead for five or more years. Who knew that the catholic religion and the Hall of Fame had the same requirements to be recognized at the highest level of your profession? Pretty interesting.
NFC WEST
1) Los Angeles Rams
It’s a ram, well actually a bighorn sheep, but still, you get the point. Have you ever seen a video of them smashing skulls or running up the steep incline of a mountain likes it nothing? They are about 6 feet long and weigh up to 300 pounds and their horns weigh up to 30 pounds alone. Looking at the rest of this division, there isn’t anything better than two 300 pound rams cracking skulls.
2) Seattle Seahawks
Seahawks get cooler the more you learn about them. They are actually called osprey. (Don’t worry, I don’t know how to pronounce it either) Most bigger birds like hawks and falcons have a set pattern of talons, three in the front with a single one in the back. A seahawk can move theirs to the front and back which helps them catch fish. Once they catch that fish they use it to help them become more aerodynamic and fly faster. Imagine enjoying your day as a fish, swimming along. Then next thing you know, you’re yanked out of the water and being used as a tool to fly faster before you inevitably die. Seahawks are ruthless. They do mate for life though and they can live up to 30 years, so #respect.
3) Arizona Cardinals
Did you know a male cardinal is more a brighter red than the female? This way they can get the attention of predators away from the nest. A female cardinal has more of a brownish tint to their red to hide and protect their eggs. A cardinal is cool, but it’s a small red bird. A small bird that goes about its life like any other bird. Plus, a cardinal mascot is used for one of the most storied franchises in baseball. Hard to rank them any higher.
4) San Francisco 49ers
You’re a bunch of gold diggers. Jamie Foxx said it best – You’re a trifling friend indeed.